Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
