Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
