did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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