Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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