Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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