I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
