I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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