1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
