I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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