i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
