I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
