If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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