That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
