I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
