just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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