Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
