I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
