my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
