i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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