I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
