When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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