I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So vagazzling was a success
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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