I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
