There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
