just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
