I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
