Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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