Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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