Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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