wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
