My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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