She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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