Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
