I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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