I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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