just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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