I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
