I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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