i may or may not be watching the land before time
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
