new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
