sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
