The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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