Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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