butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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