I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
