You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
cat food counts as protein by the way
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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