I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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