The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
