we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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