honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
