I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
