She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
