I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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