My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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